Write To Life     by Elana Horwitz

Originally published in Hamodia

Comforting Mourners

While acknowledging the writer's pain and loneliness, I feel that if a person makes one or more efforts to be menachem avel, hishtadlus was done and more is not required. The writer hints at others trying to reach him or her but being unable to do so because the writer changed locations without properly informing people. It's fine to change locations if that is what is necessary, and the writer experienced the natural consequence of doing so. It's also acceptable to express condolences in the soda aisle after the shiva has ended - I do not think the shopper must then make an extra phone call or visit to the avel's home.

At times I have gone out of my way to pay a shiva call, during regular hours, but the avel I intended to visit was unavailable when I got there. Although disappointed, I had to accept that, and I think I should accept the rationalization that my failed attempt was also fine. We are all busy with avodas Hashem and have to make difficult choices about how to prioritize our time.

When the tables were turned and I was the one sitting shiva, I realized that it was still not "all about me". Most people steered the conversation towards a loss that they had experienced, or asked subtle questions with the seeming goal of learning how they could prevent what happened to my loved one from happening to them. That is human nature. I was able to do the chessed of listening to my visitors. Being an avel is yet another way to learn about human beings and how to relate to them with understanding.

Elana Horwitz

Raanana