Ra’anana Community Kollel
Hakarat Hatov - Recognizing the Positive
Malka Goldberg
My name is Malka Goldberg. I am a 36 year old wife and the mother of five wonderful children. I am a psychologist by profession, and an active member of our community in Bet Shemesh. Yet, despite all of this, there are still some people who, when first meeting me, see someone who should be pitied for what she lacks. What these people are seeing and focusing on is my severe disability due to Cerebral Palsy (CP) that I acquired at birth.
As a result of my CP, I am very limited in what I can do for myself physically. I need help eating, bathing, dressing, and physically caring for my young children and household. These people make the mistake of thinking that my severe disability is the overriding aspect of my life. They cannot fathom the possibility that my life could be enjoyable and meaningful despite my limitations. While my disability is certainly an ongoing, and at times difficult, challenge, I have a "normal" life in spite of it. So, although the people who pity me are, Baruch Hashem, in the minority, I think it is important to examine why they react this way and what we can learn from it.
The Torah teaches us to have hakarat hatov; which, literally translated, means recognizing the positive. We usually translate hakarat hatov to mean gratitude. The way I see things, the literal translation of "recognizing the positive" leads directly to the more common translation of "gratitude" for only when we see the good/positive aspects of a situation, can we be truly grateful for it. In some situations the good or positive aspects are glaringly obvious, while in others we may have to search for them. Still, there are positive aspects to just about any situation.
In my case, there are many positives - gifts that Hashem has given me to enable me to achieve my potential. First, and foremost, are my parents who somehow intuitively understood how to raise a disabled child. They knew when to push me to achieve more and when to accept my limitations (and how to help me to accept them as well). My parents understood that in order for me to be a functioning member of society, I would need the same discipline and life-skills that my able-bodied siblings needed. So, they disciplined me and had high expectations of me. My mother always says that I was her most mischievous child, the one who was most often punished.
I've known many a disabled child who has been spoiled by his parents because the parents felt that the child's life was already very difficult and they didn't want to add to their suffering. Needless to say, this treatment did not serve these children well. The difference between the attitude of those parents and that of my own is that my parents did not view my life in this negative light. They didn't pity me. They, Baruch Hashem, recognized the positive in me and my situation; and following their example, I also learned to feel positively about myself. My parents had, and taught me to have, hakarat hatov.
Another positive, or gift, that I see in my situation is my intellectual ability. Some people with CP are also mentally retarded. So, I really appreciate my intelligence as I recognize that without it I would not have been able to even approach the level of function and quality of life that I have achieved. I was able to get a good education, which put me on par with my peers. Having attended a regular high school, seminary, college, and graduate school, I was able to form relationships with able-bodied peers and to be very much part of the able-bodied world. As my mother mentioned in her article, education is the disabled person's ticket to success in life.
Everyone has challenges that must be overcome in life. When facing a difficult situation or challenge, it is important not to lose sight of some positive aspects of the situation. For if we do lose sight of the positive, we may despair; and this despair may come to prevent us from trying to solve the problem. Not to despair in a difficult situation is to cope with it.
In my view, hakarat hatov, recognizing the positive, is key to coping with difficulties.
