Ra'anana Community Kollel

                                    Give and Take

                                                  Rabbi Dovid Horwitz

After Yosef revealed his identity to his brothers and they were overcome with shame, he attempted to console them by saying that they were not really the ones who sent Yosef to Egypt. It was really Hashem who orchestrated these events so that Yosef would be able to sustain Egypt and the rest of the world. But why did Yosef deem it necessary to assuage their guilt for having sold him to Egypt when until now Yosef took quite a tough stance with his brothers.

To answer this question, Rav Yerucham Levovitz from Mir cites a Midrash which sheds a great deal of light on Yosef’s actions. When Hashem instructed Moshe to kindle the lights of the menorah in the Mishkan, He explained that although He doesn’t need our lights, we should light them anyway as a way of returning, to some degree, the kindness that He showed by lighting the way for us in the desert. From this explanation we can learn an important lesson. When someone does a favor for you, it isn’t necessarily correct to magnanimously refuse any form of favor in return. Although one may feel that he is performing an act of kindness by refusing to accept any thanks or remuneration, in effect the opposite can often be true. In fact, sometimes, doing a kindness for someone and not allowing that person to reciprocate in any way, is actually an act of selfishness, because by not allowing that person to return a favor, you are keeping that person in your debt forever. This scenario could feed a person’s ego quite nicely. Hashem is telling Moshe that He wants us to reciprocate by lighting the menorah for Him, and although this is nothing more than a token symbolic gesture in light of all of the good that Hashem has done for us, it allows us the feeling that we are not just taking but giving something back as well. A person’s desire to give at least something back after receiving from another is something that should not be denied. When you do a favor for someone, as much as you do not desire to be reimbursed, sometimes it is extremely important to let him do so, and in fact, this act of accepting is the culmination of your act of giving. Without it, you kindness is incomplete since the person will not feel comfortable being the recipient of something for nothing.

The converse, Rav Yeruchem says, is also true. When a person wrongs us and subsequently realizes his mistake, he might want to approach to make amends, either through verbal contrition or by giving a gift of apology or the like. Undoubtedly, our first reaction in such a case is to downplay the affront and to respond that the gift is completely unnecessary. “Forget about it; what’s done is done. Keep your apologies and gifts; I don’t need them.” At first glance this seems to be a praiseworthy approach; however the deeper reason why most people do not want to accept an apology is because they prefer that that person remain in their debt, and once we accept the apology the slate between us is clean.

This, Rav Yeruchem says, is what Yosef in his righteousness, was trying to achieve. Once the brothers realized their mistake and came to apologize, Yosef tried to alleviate their guilt be telling them that it was Hashem’s plan for this to happen. Now that Yosef understood that peace must be made, he went to all lengths to make amends and forgive his brothers.

From Yosef’s reaction we learn an important lesson about interpersonal relationships. Hashem instructs us to conduct our relationships in a way that neither party feels indebted to the other. True brotherhood and love can only thrive in a relationship that is two sided and well balanced. When we are wronged, it is not enough to forgive and forget, we must allow for amends to be made so that harmony can be truly restored.