Ra'anana Community Kollel - Parshat Ki Tetzei 5765

Found or Find?

Rabbi Binyomin Lipson

“When a man takes a new wife . . .”
(Devarim 24:5)

The Gemara (Brachot 8a) tells us of an interesting custom that was practiced in Israel in generations past. When a young man would get married, some time later his friends and acquaintances would ask him, “Well, you’ve been married for a little while . . . is it ‘found’ or ‘find?’” The Gemara explains that the two possible answers to this question alluded to two different verses in Tanach relating to the institution of marriage. While one verse says, “One who has found a wife has found good” (Mishle 18), the other bemoans, “And I find this woman more bitter than death!” (Kohelles 7). Thus, the groom’s response of “found or find” would serve as an accurate description of his situation.

This all seems simple enough, but there’s at least one question which needs to be asked. Why does the verse which speaks of a harmonious marriage refer to this experience in the past tense while the verse which mentions the pain of a negative one refers to it in the present?

With the answer to this question, the Vilna Gaon gives us an important insight into human nature as well as a powerful formula for success in marriage. When a person experiences difficulties in life, all he can think of is the bitterness of his situation. As it is difficult for him to focus on anything else, he can easily slip into despair and depression. This is the reason why the verse which describes a bitter marriage speaks in the present tense, as a person in this situation is constantly focused on his pain and frustration. However, when it comes to appreciating the good things that Hashem has blessed us with, it is much harder to maintain a constant feeling of joy in the same way that we live our sorrows. More often than not, although we may feel great elation when we first encounter success, these feelings can quickly fade away and disappear when we become accustomed to our situation. This is why the second verse tells us in the past tense, “One who has found a wife has found good”, as unfortunately even the benefits of a wonderful marriage are usually only experienced initially before they are eventually taken for granted.

There are certainly many different aspects of our Jewish observance which we can try to improve during this month of Elul, but let’s not forget that the Torah also expects us to improve our relationships with others and perhaps most importantly, our spouse. Why not take just a few minutes a day to remember and better appreciate the positive traits of someone we love so that we can begin to feel a deeper level of thanks for what Hashem has given us? Doing so will not only make us into happier people, but it will help us to develop within ourselves the thoughtfulness to consider the gifts that we have in all aspects of our lives, and in turn, express our heartfelt thanks to the One who has given them.